


Observations

by HyperKid



Series: Trans Caleb AU [2]
Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Acceptance, Caleb loves to punish himself, Empire Kids, awkward humanturtles, binding practice, trans caleb
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-23
Updated: 2019-04-23
Packaged: 2020-01-24 15:27:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,514
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18574279
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HyperKid/pseuds/HyperKid
Summary: Caleb thought he was being very subtle. But he underestimated just how familiar Beau is with binding.





	Observations

**Author's Note:**

> HK: These are coming out a lot faster than I thought, which is a nice change.   
> Mollymauk: It probably means you’re fucking it up.   
> HK: Well that’s just plain unhelpful.   
> Mollymauk: Oh I’m sorry, did you think I was here to help?   
> HK: Genuinely no, I did not. It’s pretty much a hostage situation.   
> Mollymauk: Hostages to fun! 
> 
> WARNINGS!! Caleb is an angsty ball of angst and self harm
> 
> Disclaimer: I own nothing at all despite my best efforts

Just like talking to Jester had opened the floodgates, the next morning Beau sidled up to Caleb while the others were preparing to leave. 

 

“Hey,” the monk muttered, a false nonchalance forced into every line of her body. There was no one else around and, for once, Caleb was okay with someone coming to talk to him. Until she actually opened her mouth, of course. “If we’re gonna be travelling together, I was thinking I could give you some tips.” 

 

“Tips for what, Beauregard?” Caleb asked in as pleasant a tone as he could. He was coming to like the prickly monk just a little. As blunt and abrasive as she could be, she had proven herself a tough, resourceful ally. 

 

“Tips with the binding.” 

 

Maybe a little too resourceful. Caleb felt his whole body tense, shoulders rising around his ears. Beau noticed at once, raising both her hands. 

 

“Whoa, it’s okay. It’s not like, super obvious or anything. But I mean, you saw me doin’ it the other day, I got a little practice in this area, and you’ve been moving all stiff like you’ve got yourself wrapped way too tight, and if we’re gonna be on the road together I just wanna make sure you’re not gonna pass out on me at inopportune moments. Seems like Molly’s already gonna have that covered.” 

 

A tiny smile, barely more than the briefest twitch at the corners of his mouth, was the most Caleb could manage for the attempted joke. Beau wasn’t looking at him anyway, scowling past him and clearly as uncomfortable as he was. 

 

Well. Not quite as uncomfortable. 

 

Panic had locked his every muscle to a rigid board again, tension throbbing in tight knots. When he finally found it, his voice was a painfully dry rasp. 

 

“Did Jester talk to you?” He forced himself to ask. It wouldn’t have surprised him if the bouncy cleric had found a secret hard to keep. But he’d hoped she would keep her promise. 

 

If the look of surprise on Beau’s face was anything to go by, perhaps he should have had a little more faith. 

 

“Jess knows?” 

 

A fraction of tension eased from Caleb’s shoulders. 

 

“She... saw me with them last night. You really just knew from the way I moved?” It seemed incredible, hard to believe, but then he’d seen Beau’s experience in that area with his own eyes. The other human narrowed her eyes for a moment, inspecting him sternly as though checking he wasn’t making fun of her. 

 

Whatever she saw in his face must have been convincing, because her expression blanked back to neutral and she shrugged awkwardly. 

 

“Yeah. Well. Watchin’ people is kind of a hobby. And I’ve done it enough myself and seen enough other people doing it to know when someone’s half choking themselves on a tight bind.” 

 

A brief flicker of annoyance crossed Caleb’s face. This, again. But how could he explain that was half the point? 

 

“It is not something I have learned a lot about,” he muttered, feeling a slight flush rising in his cheeks. Better to pretend to be a little inexperienced. “Mostly I just... would rather there was nothing there.” 

 

There was so much understanding in Beau’s face and nod that he wondered for a moment if she might have felt a little of her own dysphoria. And since they were clearly having a sharing day... 

 

“May I ask why you know so much about it?” 

 

At once her expression locked up again, and it took a visible effort for her to remember that she’d started the conversation. She forced her shoulders down with another shrug. 

 

“Let’s just say there’s a lotta reasons to not always wanna be read as a girl.” 

 

Caleb couldn’t argue that, and when she didn’t bother to ask in turn, a little more tension left his body. Questions were dangerous. But acceptance... was not something he was used to. 

 

He did have one of his own, though. 

 

“Just so I am sure... have we been using your right pronouns? You use she and her?” He checked, elaborating a little when her gaze met his again. He couldn’t help just a little amusement; for once in his life he was the one meeting someone else’s eyes. 

 

Beau nodded jerkily, a wry grin tugging at her lips. 

 

“Yeah. I’m good as a girl like, 99% of the time. It’s mostly to keep me out of trouble and not recognized. I’da told you otherwise.” 

 

She wasn’t the sort to take anything she didn’t immediately approve of lying down, Caleb noted, a half smile on his lips. Her reaction to Molly had more than proved that. 

 

“That is... good. I would not want you to be angry with me for using the wrong ones,” he elaborated quickly when she gave him another sharp, questioning look. She seemed almost physically uncomfortable with taking a compliment. 

 

She relaxed a little when she didn’t find any mockery in his expression, a small smile creeping across her face before another thought wiped it away. 

 

“I’ve been using yours properly, right? He and him?” She asked quickly, a moment of panic flickering across her face. It almost dragged a smile from the wizard. Not being the most awkward person in a conversation was... refreshing. 

 

“Yes. Thank you for asking.” 

 

Beau relaxed again, a lazy smile spreading across her face. 

 

“Yeah, well. If we get a moment at some point I can take a look at your wraps an’ see if I know a different style that’d give you a little more movement. Roads are rough, after all, and we don’t know when we’re gonna need to fight something.” 

 

“I do not exactly move around as much as you to fight,” Caleb pointed out, not exactly arguing. Beau nodded in immediate and slightly insulting agreement. 

 

“Yeah but you gotta breathe to speak those spells, right?” She paused again, her brow furrowing. “That’s how magic works, right?” The second “right” sounded a lot more like an actual question, her own inexperience shining through. 

 

It helped Caleb to feel a bit more in control, less like he was being powerlessly buffeted along. And made him think just a little more about what he’d been doing. 

 

“For some of them, yes. But I have managed with how I am for a while now and it has not been a problem.” 

 

It wasn’t... well. Part of it was that he did not want the pain and discomfort to go away. It felt like penance, like an ongoing punishment for his many, many sins. It made him want to slap at each hand that offered to help, offered forgiveness. 

 

But at the same time, Beau was right. It did make it harder for him to cast spells, some days it felt like he could barely breathe at all. And he could not let himself be stopped here. Not now. Not before he had made things right. 

 

He forced a small smile to his lips. At least she didn’t seem to care about his defensiveness. 

 

“Perhaps you could just tell me what you mean.” 

 

He wasn’t ready to show so much of himself again yet. Didn’t want someone else to touch him, any other hands wrapping around his chest. Not when he knew Jester would be keeping an eye on him. Would have to touch him to cast the spell and ensure he wasn’t doing himself permanent damage. 

 

If Beau even thought about why he’d rejected her offer, it didn’t show on her face. She just shrugged, nodded, glanced over her shoulder at the alley the others had left down. 

 

“Yeah, I can show you on me when we stop for the night. Mostly it’s just remembering how much space to leave and a bit of technique to help get ‘em as flat as possible. Seems like you’re doing fine there but it might help.” She glanced back at him, her eyes narrowed just a little. “I take it you’re not gonna want me saying anything?” 

 

Caleb nodded, a little relief rising in his chest that she’d agreed so easily, even gotten a few steps ahead. 

 

“I do not see how it is anyone else’s business,” he explained quietly, his gaze flicking from her face to the ground. From the corner of his eye he saw her expression soften a little. Her head jerked in a quick nod and she turned away, heading back to the rest of the group. 

 

“‘S really not. Remembering what’s your business and what isn’t is important if we’re all travelling together. Just so long as you’re not gonna leave the rest of us in the lurch.” 

 

“I do not intend to,” Caleb told her back, a little resentment flicking towards her. He wasn’t a child. 

 

But... she did care. Enough to be polite, to accept his limits, to offer her help in a way that he’d be comfortable with. She was young, and brash, and intense, but in her own way she just wanted to help. 

 

That could be useful if only he knew how to accept it. 

**Author's Note:**

> HK: I’ve got another couple ideas in this thread, some of which are at different points than others, so this’ll be fun!


End file.
